Good things, bad things

Nov 26

Everyone,

Juice is in Chicago until Thursday. I thought I’d do a post on the good things about having him gone, and the bad. Let’s start with the bad first.

BAD:

GOOD:

In ways he gets a little break, and I do too. Well, after Butterfly is in bed anyway. We always feel a little more refreshed after a short break like this. But I still can’t wait for him to come home. Now, on with the show!

Safire

SafireJuice's Travel, miscarriage, NaBloPoMo

Summer Business

Aug 10

Everyone,

This summer has been jam packed with outings, things to do, things to see, and more. It has been so fun to be a little more mobile than last summer, and to have Butterfly enjoy some more things.

We’ve been to the splash park, the museums, the pool, the park, scrap booking with JeuJeu and his family, the farmer’s market, the post office, the park, the store, the art supply store, the park, the mall, Juice’s work, the park. We go to the park a lot.

Although with this hot and steamy weather we’ve been getting, the park is not an option. This week, the temps rose to over 100 degrees, with at least 90% humidity. They set a new record at Regan National Airport for the hottest day ever. 103! With the heat index (is that the humidity or what?) it felt like around 115 degrees. Needless to say, we’ve been watching a lot of Finding Nemo in the house.

I’m hoping that the weather will break a little for our county fair that is going on next week. I plan on going to children’s day because all kids under 12 get in free. Juice works across the street from the fair grounds and will join us there for dinner and rides. Maybe a better way would be rides then dinner.

My kid concerts are over, which I’m sad for. I don’t know what to do with myself on Mondays now! I was going to go to the park with Vinny and his mom but she is pregnant and sick and well, I don’t deal with that right now. Not with the whole miscarriage, infertility, you-don’t-know-how-lucky-you-are-and-I-don’t-want-to-hear-about-it-at-all-so-I-can-focus-on-yet-another-cycle feelings I’m having. I cry just thinking about it. (That could also be the hormones, man I hate these things!) Oh, I have started another blog to go through the infertility stuff but it is invite only. Please email me at safirecat at gmail dot com if you want an invite.

I am gearing up to also do a marathon cook with the lady I used to babysit for. We are going to make about 9 frozen meals that will hopefully be eatable. This is our first time doing this (for both of us!) so I’m not sure how it’s supposed to go. But hopefully I will have 9 or eve 18 meals all frozen and put away for busy days.

I am also trying to add a little to our camping gear. I bought a dutch oven about a week ago and have been dying to use it! But Juice doesn’t want me to use it on our front porch (we have no yard) so I have to find a table of some kind to set it on. Anyone have any ideas?

Cookbooks are my reading of choice right now. I have a frozen meal one, a dutch oven one, and a food storage one that I’m all trying to learn at once. Never mind that I don’t even have one whit of food storage or idea on how this frozen meal thing is supposed to work or really, how to use a dutch oven. All I know is that these are things I want to know how to do eventually and I better do it sooner rather than later.

I feel like I have more to say, but can’t figure out what. Oh well. Until next time!

Safire

Safireinfertility, miscarriage, summer activies

Thoughts on Miscarriage

Jul 22

Everyone,
I remember my first day of 3rd grade. Okay, I remember that first recess. I was leaning against the warm red brick of the school, watching all the kids play. My eyes wandered from the big wooden playgrounds, to the swings, to the black top and the fields behind them. The kids all had bright new shoes on, and were still sporting summer tans. This was the first time I remember feeling lonely. Oh I had friends (I don’t remember where they were…maybe the other recess?) but I knew that I was different. That nagging feeling of being different never left from then on.
In high school, all I wanted to be was the same. (Doesn’t everyone?) But I was so tall and I just felt so different. Luckily, I had some very good friends who didn’t seem to mind that I was different. I met Juice. He was not in the ‘cool’ crowd and was happy being who he was. He actaully started me on the path to enjoying my differences.
In college, I really learned to accept who I was and I was happy. Then Juice came back from his mission and we got married and all was well for awhile.
We lived on campus at BYU. The married student housing everyone dubbed the Rabbit Hutches. Not because they were so box like and small. But because everyone and their sister were having babies. Our ward had 3 or 4 nurseries at church, each with at least 12 kids. We were one of 4 couples in our quad that did not have kids or have one on the way. Each quad had over 60 families. I felt lonely there. All the moms would gather at the play ground in the center of our buildings and talk while the kids played. I tried to join in once or twice. Their conversations stopped while I was around. No one had anything to say to me. I don’t think anyone knew what to say to me.
Suddenly, I was different again. And I hated it. Juice still had a year left for his bachelors and and I felt stuck. We had neighbors move in across the hall that asked us how long we had lived there. 10 months. He asked, “Well that’s long enough to have a baby. Where is your kid?” By this time we had been trying to get pregnant for awhile and the comment stung. I withdrew and counted the days till we could leave Provo and the Rabbit Hutches behind. The women in the ward made it a point to single me out. I was their project. But sadly, when we did get together and do things, they had nothing to say to me. I had nothing to say to them. I watched silently as they lived the life that I so desperatly wanted.
When we finally moved away, we had been trying to have a baby for almost 2 years. I knew (through internet research) that we had a problem since most couples in their early 20s take 6 months on average to get pregnant. I knew we should see a doctor. We had barely moved to the east, and knew no one. Neither of us had jobs. The only thing we had was our car, our apartment, and Juice’s school.
I heard an add on the radio for one of the many infertility clinics in the area. Since I had nothing to do, I looked them up online and read their articles. I was looking for a job. I clicked their job link. They had a job posted that sounded like it could fit me. And I did fit there. I started the next week, and already knew a whole lot about being inferitle.
I learned even more about infertility, and about the reproductive endocronogolists (RE) and what they do. Our CEO was LDS too. I loved him. ABout a year after I started working there, he started accepting patients again and I was one of his first. By this time it had been almost 3 years of disapointment after disapointment. I took calls from people who were pregnant and wanted to know if the baby was a boy or a girl as soon as possible. They did not want to keep the baby if it was the wrong gender. I ached. If only they knew how lucky they were. How special, how wonderful life is. And the ability to created life. Why be so picky?!
About 8 months after I started seeing Dr. CEO, I was pregnant and Butterfly joined us. She really did a lot to ease my past 3 years of suffering. I finally felt that difference sliding away. I don’t know why but I felt I belonged to the human race again. I no longer had this silent pain hanging over me. I no longer was waspish with other pregnant women. I no longer hid from baby showers. I was on my way to being okay again.
I knew it took us a long time to have Butterfly. I didn’t want to go through the pain month after month we we decided to have another. So we just hopped right back into our routine with the RE. New doctor (Dr. CEO moved to Utah) and new medications. But still moving in the right direction. It seemed to happen quicker this time. I didn’t have time to be bitter. I knew we had found what works. Our path to conception was different than the norm, but I was okay about that. I felt proud that we had worked so hard again and we were going to have another baby. I even felt slightly sorry for the people who never had to use the RE. I worked for this baby. I was willing to take shots and endure embarassing procedures for this baby. I wanted this baby. I was proud that my hard work paid off. Natural conception seemed wishy washy to me. People thought, “Oh, let’s have a baby.” And they do. Like an afterthought. My baby was no afterthought. I thought of this baby first thing in the morning while I was taking my medication. I thought of this baby throughout the day as I had horrible mood swings, among other things. I thought of this baby as I was falling asleep. I worried, I fretted, I rejoiced, I cried, all before the baby had even been conceived. I changed my life for this baby. And I was happy to do so.
I never thought that once I was pregnant that I would loose the baby. And once I passed into the 2nd trimester, I felt free and clear. I was happy. I was confident. I was a little worried about Butterfly, but not enough to damper my excitment in having another one. He or she would be just as amazing as Butterfly. This baby would only make our lives better. It’s what we wanted and worked for.
I did not want to loose this baby. It threw me back to feeling alone. Sure, everyone told me about having a miscarriage. Even my midwife said it happens to 20-30% of all pregnancies. But I never thought it would happen to my pregnancy. We worked so hard for it. We had our trial before the baby came. It came as a shock that we could not hear or see the heartbeat. The days that followed that ultrasound were numbing. I felt quiet inside. I thought a lot about that day in 3rd grade staring at the other kids having fun and not knowing what to do. I thought a lot about my lonely days in the Rabbit Hutches. I realized that the black hole that I crawled out of with Butterfly and skipped over with Baby #2 had caught me again.
Last time, I wanted nothing to do with pregnancy. This time, it’s babies. I see people with tiny babies and I feel so inadaquit. I feel jealous. And then I feel bad because I am jealous and think that I shouldn’t feel jealous but happy. I am not happy. And I can’t seem to even think about babies and happy in the same sentance.

My RE is working with us. Things are going forward. I am bitter that I am different again. It is no longer special. Speical would be being normal. Being unconcerned. Being normal with a working normal body. I wish my babies could be an afterthought. I wish I could join everyone in the play ground instead of hugging the walls of the school longing to go out there. I wish that big bully didn’t push me back when I had the guts to join everyone.
I wish I was still pregnant.
Safire
PS- The pictures are of a remembrance charm my friends Jill and Amy sent me from here. It came with a poem:
When a baby arrives,

be it for a day, a month, a year, or more,

or perhaps only a sweet flickering moment

the fragile spark of a tender soul,

the secret swell of a new pregnancy

the goldfish flutter know to only you-

you are unmistakeningly changed…

the tiny footprints left behind on your hear

bespeak your name as Mother.

Safiremiscarriage

Back to the Gym

Jun 19

Everyone,

I’ve started going back to the gym. I was put on hiatus once I found out I was pregnant by my doctor, and was told I could start back up once I was well into the 2nd trimester. Well, that didn’t work out. My hormone levels are back to normal. So I figured I could go back to the gym now, after giving my body some time to heal. I went to the gym yesterday for a pilates class.

This was my very first pilates class. Wow am I uncoordinated! The class was full of breathing while rolling up and down, and moving right arm and left leg together. I stumbled through. And I felt fine after. This morning I felt fine too. But now, this afternoon, I’m starting to feel my abs. Ouch! And my arms…I did 9 push ups yesterday and boy do I hurt. I think this will be good for me. As a favorite movie line says, “Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t kill their husbands.” Happy people whose husbands watch the kids so you can go make more endorphins at the gym don’t kill them either. :) I do like yoga better because I could take the time to figure out the moves. I must be doing something right because my abs!

Our summer is piling up to be a busy one. One big splurge we are doing at the end is going to the Pennsylvania Renn Faire. It’s only about 2 hours from here, so we’re going to enjoy a different Faire this year. We are also going to the Maryland Renn Faire as we always do. I think it’s just because we want to wear our garb. We are going to stay over a hotel near the faire so we can really enjoy it and turn it into a mini-vacation/road trip for us.

Our town has free kid concerts on Monday mornings, Tuesday and Wednesday the local theater is showing free kid movies, Thursdays I have a standing scrap booking date with a lady in my ward and the farmer’s market with yummy fresh produce, and Fridays Juice typically gets off early so we can go and do stuff. It’s also fun to go swimming with my moms group, and play dates for Butterfly. We are busy!

I saw my first firefly of the season yesterday. I love seeing them flash bright green near our house. Last year along the creek, they were all flashing white. Fireflies are something that I will miss terribly when we move away. (No, no plans until at least 2+ years.) We may have to keep Butterfly up one night and let her catch a few in some jars. Check out THIS LINK for some pictures of the fireflies in our area.

Safire

SafireButterfly, gym, miscarriage, summer activies

Thanks

Jun 12

Everyone,

Thank you for all your kind notes and flowers and gifts that you have sent me. It’s nice to know that everyone loves and is thinking of us. It’s hard to loose this baby so far into the pregnancy. I seriously thought we were past the danger point. That makes it 10 times worse.

However, Juice and I are choosing to focus on the future. I am going to put all of the ultrasounds (3 of them, all with heartbeats) and all the notes and all the belly pictures I took into a safe place. I don’t want to forget this pregnancy, but I don’t want to dwell on it either. I did feel the baby move first around 11 weeks. I thought the baby was strong. I have no doubt that another strong baby will come into our lives and we will get to see him or her grow up. S/he better not be strong willed though. We already have one of those and I think 2 of them will drive me screaming from the house. :)

I am playing phone tag with both my OB’s office and my RE’s office (that’s the place where we go to GET pregnant) and we’re thinking of starting things up again in the fall. That is if my hormone levels are going down appropriately. Don’t expect me to talk about the RE here. It makes me moody and cross and I don’t like myself while on the hormones. And don’t expect me to say anything once I do get pregnant for awhile. The hardest thing this time has been telling other people. Juice and I took turns crying on the phone for a few days telling everyone. Our parents were nice enough to tell family for us.

Butterfly for about 3 days wanted to see the baby in my belly. I’m so glad that her memory is short.

I see a big thunderstorm rolling our way so I should go. Thanks again.

Safire

Safiremiscarriage

A sad morning

Jun 04

Everyone,

So this morning I was doing the wash and came across some of my maternity shirts that I had just pulled out a few days before the news. It seemed sad that I wore them maybe once this time around, and now I have to put them back in the box. Even sadder seems to be the pants that I bought because I was going to be pregnant in the summer, that I never wore. One still even has the tags on them. I wonder if I can find the receipt and take them back. Another sad thought…

I get my blood test results back tomorrow. From now on, I’ll be having weekly blood draws to make sure that my body is doing what it should. I have gotten to be on such good terms with the lab that they know me by sight. They also want to find a new vein in my arm to take the blood from, since the one that they always use is starting to develop scar tissue and is harder to poke. That just strikes me as sad too.

Butterfly has been pretty good during all of this. I think she is picking up on the sadness around here because she’s been having more tantrums lately. But I’ve been trying to keep things normal for her and actually get her out playing with her friends. I think she got used to people around all the time in Utah and is feeling a little lonely now that it’s just us.

And that’s a little sad too.

Safire

Safirebad days, miscarriage

It was supposed to be happy.

Jun 02

Everyone,

Today was the day that I was supposed to share some good news with you. After more struggles to get pregnant, we did! I didn’t want to say anything here because I wanted to tell our family in person. And we just came back from our family. So we were all happy and things seemed to be going normally.

Then I went to the doctor for a routine visit. No heartbeat on the doppler. No heartbeat on the ultrasound at the office. No heartbeat at the emergency ultrasound at the hospital. Baby was measuring around 13 weeks, when I should have been around 16 weeks.

We are sad. We are unhappy. I am especially unhappy because this throws us back into the infertility world of shots and timing and the like. I know I don’t talk about it much on here because it makes me very dark and moody. But back we go. If I swore, now would be a good time for an oath.

The worst part is loosing what was supposed to be. We were supposed to have a baby around Thanksgiving. We were supposed to fly home in March for my Grandpa’s 80th birthday with another cute one. We were supposed to give Butterfly a sibling. It was supposed to work. We were going to be happy. I was getting all excited to pull out all the clothes we would need. I picked out the double stroller I wanted. We have everything but the mattress to move Butterfly into a big girl bed so the new baby could use the crib.

But now, it’s just sad. Yes, I can still do some of those things when we get pregnant again. But now Butterfly and the new baby will be that much farther apart in age. And if it takes us awhile to get pregnant, again, like it always does, they will be even farther apart. I now have to worry about loosing baby fat with no baby to cuddle.

It’s just plain sad.

Safire

Safirebad days, miscarriage